Week 24

Blessings for me to count in my bouts of anxiety...

My Job
I have to admit, I complain about my job a lot. I complain about the lack of resources, the kids' behavior, the interruptions, the paperwork, the amount of time and energy it requires compared to the pay. And sometimes, when I'm standing in the hallways between class periods amidst the chaos, I feel like I float outside myself and wonder, how could I have possibly chosen this? Why and how in the world could I have actually chosen to work with crazy-dramatic, hormonal, loud, obnoxious, know-it-all teenagers?

A couple of weekends ago, though, I did some reflecting on my job. It's a job that has pushed me out of my comfort zone. It's forced me to experience backgrounds that couldn't be more different from the white middle-class bubble in which I grew up. It's forced me to really learn what it means to be patient and to learn the important balance between productivity and building relationships with my students. It's forced me to celebrate the differences in people sometimes more often than the commonalities and to learn that every single person has such a unique set of qualities to contribute, even if it's outside the realm of what you're looking for in a certain area or at a given moment. And it's forced me realize that meaningful change occurs gradually. The fact that teaching has been more challenging than I could have ever imagined is exactly what's made it an amazing experience. Ironically, I think I've truly learned and grown from this experience and my students even more than I've taught. Although I am excited for some time off, I know I'll miss the kids a lot next year; I want so badly for them to lead happy, fulfilling lives.

My Friends
Along with complaining about my job has come complaining about Mike's job. It becomes very easy to focus on all of the negative aspects of life amidst the Army, such as deployments and training stints, having to go through periods of readjustment after periods of time away from each other, unpredictability and lack of control in schedule, etc., etc. However, something that has been truly awesome in my experience with being married to an Army man is the absolutely amazing group of friends I've met. We've been able to rely on each other through big changes in each of our lives, all within just a two-year span of time: deployments, marriages, pregnancies, births. And that's just naming a few. Since our husbands are gone so often with training courses and deployments, we've relied on each other in ways most women who are married probably haven't. And since we're all in a place where our families aren't, we've, in a way, become our own little family.

My miscarriage is an experience that sticks out to me in showing how truly amazing this group of girls is. Caitlin, who was pregnant herself, sat beside me in the hospital as the doctor told me my baby didn't have a heartbeat. Missy, who was also pregnant, made her home mine, too, in the days to follow so I wouldn't have to go through the experience alone. Caitlin, Lea, Missy, and Alison rushed me to the hospital the next day when contractions got so bad that I was vomiting, could barely talk, and couldn't walk. Lea sat beside me in the hospital through the night (since they wouldn't let all of the girls back) to comfort me as they waited for my blood pressure to stabilize to give me pain meds. She took care of me, without having had any sleep herself, until my mom arrived the following morning.

It is so humbling to have met a group of such amazing people with such incredibly generous and sincere hearts. I feel so lucky to have met each of them, and I can't wait to see where life takes them. A few have moved away already from Fayetteville, as that just comes with being attached to the Army, but I can definitely say that we'll keep up with and visit each other no matter where we end up. I'm so excited to share the arrival of our baby with them in just a little more than three months!

My Family
As I expressed in my last post, I've been thinking a lot, lately, about Mike's deployment and raising the baby on my own for 6 months. I've also been anxious about the thought of not working during that time. I've consistently held or been looking for a job since the age of 14, and not having to worry about that makes me a little nervous. I think the idea of feeling that I graduated college to raise a baby is a little unsettling sometimes, too. I know the way that sounds, and I really do know what a significant and important job raising a child is. It's just that I feel a little guilty sometimes thinking that I'm going to solely dedicate my livelihood to raising a baby and family, when there is more I could do to contribute.

This morning, though, I thought how lucky I'll be to spend such priceless time with my family during those months Mike's away. I think there are so many people who would give anything to spend more time with their family and kids and less time at work, and since I'm in a position to do that, I'm going to try everyday to appreciate it to the absolute fullest. Assuming the baby comes on time, Mike is scheduled to deploy approximately a week after he's born. I'm planning to spend the next few months back in Kansas. I feel so excited for the opportunity to give my mom and dad the chance to really develop a relationship with their grandson, my sister and brothers a relationship with their nephew, and vice versa. My parents are the two most selfless and loving people I know, and I think my baby will be blessed to start his life surrounded by them. And I'll get to spend time with the people I love more than anything in the world during such an amazing change in my own life.

I'm also so excited to spend time getting know my brothers again. Since I went to college when they were just entering middle and high school, I've been away from them through most of the formative years of their lives. It's hard for me to perceive them as the men they are now, because I really haven't gotten much chance to know them in that way. I've been there for most of the important things like holidays and graduations, but I haven't had an every day relationship with them like my sister has, and I don't have as close a relationship with them as I do with Molly. They've always been my little brothers, and I'm excited to get to know them even better as the adults they now are.

And, of course, I can't wait to spend time with my sister and friends in Kansas! The day before Mike and I got married, my friend, Kerry, said how amazing it's been to see each other make the transition from college kids to adults and to go through all of those meaningful, coming-of-age experiences together. It's very special to me to have a group of friends at home who I've been able to stay so close to, despite the distance, who have seen me at both my best and worst, who I'll always be there for, and who, I know, will always be there for me, too.

My Marriage
Lately, my being pregnant and Mike's hectic work and GMAT study schedule have put a damper on our weekend activities. We're usually pretty active people, but, lately, what spare time we have has been spent either at home in front of the TV, or at Barnes and Noble reading/studying. Last weekend, however, we were just itching to move, to dance, to do something. Since Fayetteville's nightlife is pretty limited to either bars, restaurants, or movies, Mike suggested we have our own little dance party to some "oldies but goodies" at home. It only lasted through one song. My growing belly and inability to have a drink or glass of wine just take some of the fun away from the dance scene. We were back to square one. The weather outside was amazing, but live music and cozy bistros are pretty obsolete here, so we settled on heading to the pool to chat and enjoy spring's balmy warm night. Mike grabbed his bottle of wine, I grabbed my bottle of water, and we trekked down to relax in lawn chairs by the glistening lights of the pool.

When we arrived, there was a Spanish birthday party being held in the far corner of the patio. They were playing Hispanic music, families were dancing with their babies and toddlers, and friends were sipping their drinks, relaxing and laughing in lounge chairs. We watched and admired the sense of family and community that seems to be so present in Hispanic culture, and Mike commented on how much fun it would be to have our own dance parties with our baby in a year or two. As we spent the next hour-and-a-half just talking and soaking up the festivities in the background and atmosphere of the summer-like night, a euphoric wave of emotion seemed to overcome me. I felt such an incredible sense of intimacy and companionship with Mike. It was just this amazing warm feeling of really understanding the happiness of that specific moment. No yearnings for the past. No worries about the future. The two of us together, just being. I realized that there was absolutely no other place in the world I'd have rather been than there with him at that moment, doing exactly what we were doing. He makes me so happy.

We talked about how much our relationship has grown through the past couple of years with each other. We went through so many adjustments that naturally came with Mike's being gone for weeks at a time in the Q-course. He went and is still going through a drastic and challenging change in career paths. We celebrated our marriage, were surprised with a positive pregnancy test a few weeks later, and were devastated in losing that baby a few days after Mike deployed. We made hard decisions about starting a family in the midst of Mike's future deployment schedule, and, now, we are just a few months away from welcoming our new little son into our arms. Like any relationship, ours has definitely had its trials and tribulations, but I feel every day that, even when my heart feels filled to the absolute brim, it always makes room to love him even more. It's the most comforting feeling in the world--it's the feeling of home. I respect him so incredibly much, and home will always be wherever he is. I feel so lucky to be able to take this future journey through parenthood with my most favorite person and friend in the world.